Sucks big time. I don't know why I feel so crappy. I wanted this torture to end and I finally got my wish. I think what bothers me the most is that he broke it off. That I didn't get the satisfaction of saying "this is not working and I want to break up with you". He was a coward about it and didn't call for four months. But the hardest thing is that during those four months I didn't miss him at all. I felt relieved that he wasn't there anymore. Then, as soon as he calls I start feeling insecure and blaming myself for not being interesting enough or pretty enough or skinny enough or white enough (he's going out with a white girl now). Anyway I'm just ranting about shit that doesn't matter anymore. I'm relieved that it's over but I'm mad at myself for not breaking up with him in august when I wrote the break up email.
I just erased him from my buddy list, from my cellphone, from my speed dial, from my address book,I ripped the letter O from my phonebook (luckily I don't know anyone else with the letter O).
don't get me wrong we're not enemies or anything. We actually broke up on good terms. But the truth is that I don't really want to speak to him for some time. When I talk to him I realize that we were friends above all and that he loved me in his own twisted ways. Which makes it harder for me to hate him. And then I start confusing sympathy and likenesses with actual affection. Our post break up sex was great and wild but in reality it's not a good idea to see each other. We're too used to each other.
this post is extra long because I don't wanna write about him or make him the subject of my daily thoughts anymore. Just like I'm erasing him from all my address books and buddy lists I wanna close this chapter and move on to dating hot guys. Hell after all I'm only 26 (yes I'm getting old). But at least let me pretend I'm young.
anyway goodbye for now.
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Beginning December 08, 2007, this blog will be devoted to my 365/ picture-a-day project. I will attempt to document my daily life through a single photograph per day.
2 comments:
First thing you need to do is concentrate on yourself. It's not a matter of what you did or didn't do, or what could've been done. Hindsight is 20/20, but it's also unchangable.
Breaking up sucks, and not calling for four months was just his way of dealing with it. It may be cowardly, but that just goes to show the type of person he is when it comes to dealing with emotions.
It's understandable, but foolish to think you should change yourself for ANYBODY. You need to remind yourself to be proud of yourself and what you bring to the table, and be happy you're no longer dealing with someone who doesn't appreciate that.
Break up sex is almost ALWAYS good, but you're also right. Keeping a distance (timewise and physically) is the only way to make the wound scab over. Violate that and you'll only be picking at at it, making the scar that much bigger in the end.
You sound generally grounded given the situation, it seems all you need is time and a distraction. The new year is around the corner so start making some resolutions on doing stuff that keeps you grounded and happy.
BTW, drinking is fine, but make sure you do it socially for happy times. As my friend says:
Chant the mantra: "A good drunk is a happy drunk."
Breakups suck. They're not easy, they're not fun, but they're almost always GOOD. I congratulate people when they break up. It's happening for a reason, so go cold-turkey. Turn on some punk rock and take a couple of shots of whatever you hate the least, and then go downtown and get into a fight. That's what I always say I'll do. :)
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