100th post

So blogger says this is my my 100th post, I haven't counted them twice yet to verify but I'll believe it. I think in some kind of weird way it makes sense and it must be the cosmos aligning to commemorate the anniversary of the largest manifestation of my life-long battle with procrastination. So here it goes:

I have discovered netflix and I am catching up with tons of stuff I haven't watched. Sketches of Frank Gehry was the first family film, since Duke and I missed it in the theaters. I just finished watching it and I have to confess I was able to relate a lot more than I actually expected. The documentary starts out by Frank talking about how starting is never easy. He describes a process that involves "avoidance, delay and denial"... and for a second there I felt attacked, as if Gehry would choose me as the topic of his documentary. Then he says "I'm always scared that I'm not gonna know what to do...It's a terrifying moment." And there it is: add a little self-sabotage to this statement and you have an explanation to why I haven't completed my thesis yet. Yes, my thesis. That thing that was due last December and has slept with me, gone on dates with me, traveled with me and has been staring at me from my bedroom wall for the past 9 months. I can't understand why I can't just end this torture. In the end "it's just another paper", as Jeanne says. But my ego won't let me just through something together and hand it in like the rest of my cohort did. I have to add just a little more, find better sources, revise it once more, take it apart, change it all together, maybe change the topic... no wait a minute... I love that topic...

And there's always that voice that keeps saying "just finish it already!!...it's not that big a deal" But it is, at least to me. I wanna be able to hand in something extraordinary, especially after having a whole year to complete it. Or maybe at this point, just completing it would be extraordinary..... I don't know.....

But watching Frank Gehry got me thinking about the way I've lived life in the past decade. Someone recently asked if I felt satisfied with my career choice. I was surprised that I answered with such certainty.... no hesitation at all "Yes, absolutely".... I guess I was surprised because I never actually heard myself say it aloud and fully mean it. I admire Gehry's guts for challenging the way people look at architecture. I can't say I feel compelled to do the same for for my profession, because then I would end up another cliche; or worse, a lifetime movie; or even worse, a Ron Clark. Don't get me wrong, I am not as naive as I used to be in fall 2004, when I thought I could change the world 25 kids at a time. I now know I can... I just need a focused plan to do actually it.

So going back to this being my 100th post and marking some kind of milestone... I think I'm just gonna look at it as the post after #99... that way there's no pressure to finish it and I can actually post it tonight.